On Wednesday evening, Major League Baseball announced the cancellation of two additional series with the earliest option for Opening Day being April 14th. Most of the major financial hurdles appear to have been cleared, but according to ESPN’s Jeff Passan, disagreements regarding a potential international amateur draft became an impediment. Negotiations continued into Wednesday night, but it’s safe to say that a 162-game season is on life support. Arbitrary deadlines, wasted time, and owner greed have given baseball a black eye but hey, at least Rob Manfred got his golf swing dialed in!
It’s been a pretty bleak few months in baseball world. Multiple series have been cancelled. Free agency was brought to a screeching halt just as it was getting good. Pitchers and catchers never reported. The closest thing we have to Spring Training action are the minor league minicamps (on that note, be sure to follow ESR’s own @Eric_Birdland on Twitter for on-location coverage).
The lack of live baseball got me thinking: since the transaction wire is all but empty and the players union is locked out with no end in sight, could there possibly be an alternate talent pool from which the Orioles could improve their roster? A parallel universe, perhaps? Multiverses and metaverses are all the rage these days, and there may be somebody out there with a giant squid avatar who can give us six solid innings. Then, it occurred to me that I was overthinking this, and we’ve already been provided a sufficient talent pool by television and movies. The market would assuredly be competitive, but I’m certain that Mike Elias could woo a few of them to Camden Yards.
Here’s the three targets I’d focus on:
Patti Mayonnaise – Doug
An absolute flamethrower who could compete for a rotation spot immediately. How many players do you know have the entire team named after them? None that I can think of besides Mayonnaise, whose Pulverizers ran roughshod around Bluffington while being carried by her right arm. The intangibles are there; her resolve was exhibited when Little League parent politics had her booted off the mound and gave turns to a multitude of pitchers including Doug Funnie, the show’s title character, against the Honkers. After Doug and Skeeter Valentine allowed a Barrage of home runs that would make Mike Wright look like a groundballer, Mayonnaise entered in relief and struck out Honkers slugger Roger Klotz to seal the win for the Pulverizers. Adversity-tested and big league ready, Mayonnaise could make an instant impact.
Willie Mays Hayes – Major League
The Orioles could use a fourth outfielder with Hayes’ speed and defense; he’s a perfect late inning pinch runner or defensive replacement who can start a few nights a week. An elite bunter with 80 speed, Hayes could challenge for 100 steals given the playing time which is an invaluable skill to have in an era where the stolen base has become something of a novelty. He’s not one to take a walk and as such his OBP will be buoyed by his average, the other tools make him a no brainer of an addition for Elias.
Air Bud – Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch
I really wanted to nominate my dog Kendrick here but he’s A) easily distracted and B) hasn’t appeared on-screen in any capacity. (You’re still a good boy).
Air Bud is a multi-sport athlete with a pedigree few current Major Leaguers can match. Admittedly, the lack of opposable thumbs severely limits his hit tool and will always likely be below average as a result. However, this pup’s defensive range is possibly the greatest we’ve seen in the history of the game. There simply isn’t a human alive who could match Air Bud’s speed, and his routes to the ball are always efficient. You could theoretically start him at shortstop and he would still be able to provide sufficient coverage for all three outfielders. Air Bud is a potential five-win player on defense, and I’d take that golden retriever in my dugout any day.
While I’m desperate for the league and the players to come to an agreement as soon as possible, I think this outside-of-the-box approach to player recruitment could be beneficial to the Orioles and unearth a market inefficiency that could give the team a leg up on the competition. Elias and Sig Mejdal have been at the forefront of innovation and baseball, and this is simply a natural progression of their work. Landing all three of these players would be an ultimate coup de grace, but even one could turn the Orioles into an immediate contender.
