This is meant to be satire. To poke fun at the funny folks who call into local sports talk shows. I’ll put this in bold letters, but it still won’t get through to some of you. Oh well. Go ahead and leave comments about how wrong this is anyway.

The Orioles lost again today…no, wait, I’m sorry they TIED. Are ties even allowed in baseball? No, they’re not, but somehow the Orioles have managed to TIE twice this spring. You know what is allowed in baseball? WINNING. Someone should tell the O’s that they’re allowed to do that once in a while.

I see all these fools saying everyone should just calm down that they haven’t won a single game yet. Well let me tell you something. Practice makes perfect, and the only thing Buck Showalter’s team is perfecting in Florida is losing baseball games. By the time they come north, they’ll have it down to a science. Last place here we come! I see all these fans talking about how the Birds could hit the most home runs ever this year, well how about another record, namely their own record of 21 straight losses to start the year.

That’s right, you heard me. I’m callin’ it now – not only will the Orioles be the worst team in baseball, but they’ll lose TWENTY TWO straight games to start the year and the 1988 team will be popping champagne bottles like some loser version of the 1972 Dolphins. Cheers, Cal.

So what happens after they start 0-22? Will Dan Duquette trade away some of these strikeout kings he signed this winter and restock the farm system with gritty players who actually try to get on base? You know, like the ones the World Champion Kansas City Royals have a roster full of? Small ball is the way to the World Series, but don’t tell those idiots at the Warehouse that. Well, small ball and starting pitching, but of course cheapskate Peter AngeLOSE only opens his checkbook when it’s time to pay some juiced up dummy like Chris Davis.

Did you get your drug exemption this year, Chrissy? Or can we look forward to another season of whining about not being able to concentrate like back in 2014? Then if by some miracle this team is actually in contention, you’ll probably get caught taking Adderall illegally again. But will you give any of that $160 million back when that happens? I won’t hold my breath.

Meanwhile, our great bullpen will be worn out by the end of May because nobody in this starting rotation can get through five innings, let alone six or more. Why not cut these bums like Miguel Gonzalez, Chris Tillman, and U-bum-do Jimenez to free up some salary cap space and go get a real ace?!

And trade for Nick Markakis and Nelson Cruz while you’re at it. This organization has been scrambling to replace both of those guys since stupidly letting them go, and people forget that the O’s really haven’t won anything since those two left town.

So who’s here now? Some guy from Korea that nobody has ever heard of. Speaking of…

Hyun-Soo Kim is a BUST

Look at this bum! He goes hitless in his first 23 at bats against SPRING TRAINING pitchers! They’re not even trying to get hitters out (Just look at the Orioles pitchers!), they’re just out there working on their pitches and this scrub can’t even get a hit.

I saw that he finally legged out an infield single today. Well whoopdie-doo, start printing the playoff tickets. This guy needs to be shipped back to Korea before the season even starts. That’ll give Dan plenty of time to hammer out that deal to bring Nicky Mark home.

If Nick is in right field again, everything else falls in place. That guy is just a winner, a steady presence who makes everyone around him better. If only that hot dog Adam Jones had learned a thing or two from him while he was here, but no, he was too busy playing with bubble gum and pies to take anything seriously. That’s why as soon as Nick leaves, the team goes right back to being losers.

Not only that, but now I can’t even drink a Natty Boh while I’m watching them lose! Instead, I have to fork out $15 on some microbrew crap. Look, if I want to drink what the rich folks drink, I’ll sneak up into the club level for some of that free red wine they have up there. Otherwise, give me back my Boh! I’m tellin’ ya, no respect for the fans anymore.

Anyway, put Nick in right, put Davis out in left where he has to run around and actually earn some of that fat paycheck, instead of just having the other players throw balls right to him all day long, go trade for an ace, and this team MIGHT not be in line for the #1 draft pick in 2017. I won’t hold my breath though. Let’s just hope they use that pick on a player who can come in and help right away.